


artemisa absinthium

by Kt_fairy



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Horror, Jealousy, M/M, Psychological stress, mentioned body dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-31 01:48:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10889220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kt_fairy/pseuds/Kt_fairy
Summary: “Well, weirder than his team already is. I’ve seen some stuff in the theatre but...” Ford glanced over her shoulder and shuddered, “the shit that happens around you guys is Really weird."





	artemisa absinthium

 

 

“Just saying bro,” Derek grinned as he held the door open for Chris to follow him out of the locker room, “it takes a lot of skill get a puck past you.”

“Riiiight. This is just ‘cause you scored on me in practice.”

“Well, yeah.”

“So what’s your excuse the rest of the time?” Chris asked as they turned onto the corridor that would take them out the back door of the arena, heading in the same direction Dex had strode off in the hopes of catching him up and making him join them for an Annie’s breakfast.

 Chris being a goalie, and just a person with actual coordination, stopped in his tracks as soon as he realised what he was looking at but Derek walked straight into his back, the both of them stumbling to an inelegant stop at the same time as the two other people in the corridor jerked apart.

 Dex's sexuality had never really crossed Derek's mind when they were Freshman. Firstly because no-one's ever did until he was interested in them and also because Dex was a bit of an asshole and Derek made a point never to think about fucking assholes. Well, not that kind of asshole anyway. Then, after they had become closer last year and he had seen just how exhausting Dex's body dysphoria was first hand it was no wonder Dex showed no interest in anyone when he was so uneasy with his own body, Derek putting his energies into supporting his friend rather than working out what this new, warm feeling in his chest might be.

 Dex had finally got his top surgery over the summer, his fund topped off by the sin bin whilst Jack bought them a new dryer (any maybe paid for some future fines in advance), and had come back to Samwell for the pre-season with a startling new confidence, telling Derek the day after they had moved into the Haus that he liked boys and had begun making out with them pretty regularly at kegsters and, as it seemed in this moment, in the back corridors of Hockey arena’s.

“Oh,” Chris whispered as Dex went visibly red, staring at them in a mixture of resignation and alarm, the guy he was with looking between Dex and the two of them anxiously, “Should we leave or…?”

“We pretend like we saw nothing,” Derek said through his teeth before stepping around Chris and strolling towards Dex, “Ditching us for your other friends, Dexy?” He called lightly, hoping his face was a mask of chill as he shoved his hands in his pockets, knocking his shoulder lightly against Dex’s.

“Uh...no, just...ran into him. Um. This is Alex, he play’s Rugby,” Dex introduced the guy who held his hand out for Derek to shake, “This is Nursey, my D-man partner.”

“Oh, nice to finally meet you mate,” he said, brown eyes deep and dark and intent as they held Derek’s gaze. He turned to introduce himself to C and Derek swore he saw something green and monstrous looming at them from the shadows caused by the old, yellowing fluorescent lights.

 Alex was taller than Derek, skin a little darker, eyes expressive in a way he always tried to not let his be, his curls seemed to sit more naturally than Derek’s, his dimple less cliche’d, the gap between his front teeth worn like an assurance of his good humour not hidden away like Derek did with his. The tattoo peeking out from the sleeve of his sweater seeming to be more thought out than the one Derek had gotten out of youthful zealousness, and to top it all off he had a voice that was deep and smooth with slight London accent that just...really topped off the whole package.

“We were looking for you to make you come to Annie’s with us,” Chris was saying while Derek was staring at Alex.

“Oh yeah sure, I’m always down for Annie’s,” Dex said, trying desperately not to sound awkward.

“Alex is invited as well, of course. If you wanna come?” Chris said, turning his smile up at Alex.

“Thank’s so much guys but I got a 9am to get to in like- a quarter of an hour - piss take honestly,” He gave them both a friendly smile, bright eye’s flicking to Dex and staying there for a long moment as the light that always flickered started off again and Derek was sure the green mass in the shadows was spreading, “But I’ll see you guys ‘round, yeah?”

“Friends are always welcome in the Haus,” Derek said with a smile he hoped matched Alex’s as they made their way to the back door. Alex headed off in the opposite direction to them with a wave but not before he had brushed his fingers over the back of Dex’s hand, a tendril of something bitter smelling and slimy curling around Derek’s stomach.

 Chris talked about everything as they crossed campus on the way to Annie’s _except_ walking in on Dex kissing a boy at eight thirty-four on a Tuesday morning, Dex’s conversation even more stilted than usual and Derek’s non-existent as he went over and over and over the way Dex’s hands had slipped off this man’s chest, the way he had been leaning up into the kiss, the powerful hand resting on Dex’s lower back to pull him in close.

 The SMH’s usual booth was free when they got to Annie’s and even though there was only three of them they took it because, well, tradition, and the breakfast rush seemed to be just ending. They went through the motions of ordering, having to make sure no-one had the same thing as C as that was one of the weird little things which made him Chris Chow that had nothing to do with being a goalie, no matter what anyone said.

 After the waitress had brought the coffee over they sat in an awkward silence, Dex piling up sugar packets like his life depended on it, effectively building a wall between him and the rest of the room. Derek watched him in silence as his brain was still stuck on the soft way Alex had been looking down at Dex. With a jerk he noticed that C was intently eyeballing him as if trying to send telepathic signals which finally seemed to work when he met Chris’ eyes because Derek suddenly realised he had barely said anything since being introduced to this guy.

“So, you have a class with Alex?” He asked, aiming for casual and watching it sail so wide he could almost hear C roll his eyes at him.

“No we uh, we met at the library. Had to share a book we both needed for different Ecology seminar’s. He’s a post grad. From England, but I told you that.”

“He seems nice!” Chris enthused, leaning his elbows on the table.

“Yeah. We get along well.”

 It was not meant as a barb, Dex was not subtle enough for that, but it hurt like one. Sharing a room had been like the Get Along Shirt Shitty had always threatened them with - the incident board in the kitchen had been scrapped after Bitty had given up on updating at day eight without a fight. They were actually good friends now, but what Dex had said had hit Derek like he had just listed the causes of every one of their arguments over the past three years.

“Did he come to watch practise or…?” Chris fished with the same amount of casual that Derek had managed to put into his question and he rolled his eyes right back at C.

“Look, okay, I know you guys both saw me kiss him. Thank you for not being weird about it. We only...he wanted to see me,” Dex admitted, flushing a pretty pink that made what was curled around Nursey’s stomach begin to slip up towards his chest. “It’s new so please don’t tell anyone else on the team, you know what they’re like.” 

“Of course Dexy!” 

“Yeah sure.” 

“Thank you. I might bring him over sometime next week just to…”

“You don’t need to explain yourself!” Derek cut him off a little more shortly than he meant, deflating a little as Dex frowned at him, “It’s chill, he’s nice, the team will like him - well, if he can get past Ford’s standards - but you don’t need to explain yourself, take it at the pace you want to.”

“Thaaanks.” Dex said in that tone of voice that meant he was going to do what Derek had said anyway but was being to polite to tell him to shut up, Chris sitting there shaking his head at the both of them while sipped his coffee.

                                                                   

                                                                                            _/\\_

  
 Yoshi fell off the Maple Road and Derek yelled in agony at coming last, pretending like he was going to throw the controller at Tango who was laughing with joy as the results screen loaded.

“That was mad tragic Nursey,” Whiskey said dryly from behind them, knocking his controller with Tango’s in celebration at his second place.

“Letting us Junior’s down Nurse,” Chris muttered.

“Yeah yeah all right,” Derek sighed, dropping the controller and rubbing at his face to try and clear his head. Distraction had become a problem recently, he would be happily doing something and then the memory of Alex would hit him like a blocked slap shot and he would not be able to forget it for hours, a horrible pulsing lump coiling around and around his ribcage, the churning sound of something hollow and rotten in his ear.

 He looked up as something knocked lightly against his head and he frowned up at the can of Brew Dog being held out to him by Ford. He took it because he needed a drink most days now, if only to take away the sour, rotten seaweed taste in his mouth. He shot her a smile that faltered slightly at the complicated look on her face.

“So, guys. Umm…” Dex said from where he was sat on the bean bag wielding a highlighter like a scalpel as he went over an essay, “I’ve started seeing someone.”

 The music from Mario Kart was still playing and Derek could _feel_ the barrage of questions Tango was stopping himself from asking as everyone looked at Dex apart from Ford who was still looking right at Derek.

“Yeaah?” Bitty prompted gently, straightening slightly from where he was lounging across the wingback.

 Dex blushed brightly as he told them all about Alex; that he was from London, that he was doing an Environmental Sciences masters, that he played Left Wing in Rugby, that he was three years older than Dex, that they had been seeing one another for a couple of weeks now, that he had done his undergrad at one of the lesser Cambridge colleges, that he was well travelled and technically minded and was on the debating team. Basically describing a man that was slightly better than Derek in every way and in every one of those ways better suited to Dex.                                                                        

                                                                                            _/\\_

 

 “We totes look similar though, right?” Derek asked idly as he looked over at where Dex was introducing Alex to Jack who was down for the weekend, unable to tear his eyes away from the large hand settled on Dex’s waist as Alex chatted to Jack about fucking history or something. Not a single person on the team disliked him, even Derek could not find it in himself to hate him after they had talked a few times about tattoo’s, compared New York 80’s hip hop to London grime, and their mutual dislike of Ginsberg.

 They even had the same fashion sense; bomber over a pale blue t-shirt, grey pants, fucking Jordans. If he had been wearing a snap back Derek would be calling foul.

 Tango frowned, taking his time examining Alex and then turned back to Derek with a look on his face like he was unsure if this was a test, “Not really?”

“Huh,” Derek muttered, trying very hard to ignore Jack laughing at something Alex was saying, Dex looking up at him with a _fond_ smile on his face, catching that bitter rotten smell again as that huge, green, mass loomed at him from the corner of the ice...

                                               

                                                                                            _/\\_

  
 Derek jumped when Dex plopped down next to him on his bed, almost dropping his book on his face and whacking Dex with it when he laughed at him, “Bro, really? I fucking crashed into this room. Why has...Bulgakov- is this the book with the cat swinging off the chandelier while shooting at the KGB?”

“Yep.”

 Dex’s ever so crooked canine caught on his crooked smile and made Derek’s heart beat a little crooked too, “I fucking love that book it’s weird as shit.”

 Derek didn’t say that was why he was reading it, remembering the bus drive to Penn state where Dex had forgotten his earphones and had pretended not to be reading The Master and Margarita over Derek’s shoulder until he had given in and leant against Derek to see the pages more easily, shaking Derek’s arm as he laughed at the really abstract parts, quietly asking for explanations for the bit’s heavy in anti-soviet sentiment that he did not get.

 It was...well, Dex had a boyfriend now, what it was did not matter any more.

“Can I quote you on that in my next paper?”

“Please do,” Dex settled back on his hands so he could look down at Derek. “I wanna apologise for how I was when the dip-flip happened. It can’t have been nice for me to be like that about sharing a room with you- it’s really no excuse but I was going through some stuff and I didn’t...I knew I was getting surgery and I didn’t know how I’d feel about the scars. And I’d never done my T injections in front of anyone on the team before. I think I was scared you’d make it weird by making an effort to not be weird? I dunno- I was going through some shit. And it’s been really nice sharing a room with you bro, pain in the ass sometimes but even Rans and Holtzy used to fight so, yeah. I’m sorry for acting like the world ended when that happened. Was shitty of me, and you didn’t deserve it, as like a friend or a person.”

“S’cool Dexy,” Derek said, feeling a little shocked. He was used to Dex being dramatic (he would deny it until his dying day but Dex had the ability to be extra about _every_ thing) and had not really taken his reaction to sharing a room too much to heart. He had not been too thrilled about sharing a room with the uptight, inept, grumpy boy could very easily get a crush on either but had enough chill to not make a big deal about it.

“Thank’s Nursey. I don’t deserve how good you’ve been about it.”

“Weeelll,” He smiled, tapping Dex on the shoulder, “I didn’t expect a fucking parade brah.”  Dex gave him a small smile and Derek turned his hand so he could grab Dex’s arm, “Look at you being all grown up, who’d have guessed you really just needed to get laid.”

 He was teasing, trying to diffuse the seriousness of the conversation because even though Derek loved a good heart to heart this was in danger of getting too close to the feelings that summoned that stinking, green horror back, but the sudden redness of Dex’s ears and the way his eyes skittered away from Derek’s spoke volumes.

“Oh…” Derek said, realising how hollow his voice had sounded when Dex frowned at him, “Uuuhh...I mean...Didn’t mean to tease you about that bro.”

“Well it’s...I’d never before. ‘Cause, ya know, _so_ many reasons. Umm...its was nice, but that’s not why I’m saying sorry…”

“Nice?" 

 Dex rolled his eyes,“Shut up."

“I hope he made it better than nice,” Derek said sharply as he sat up.

“Oh…” Dex looked thrown by Derek’s sudden concern, “No it was...it was good, he made it good. I didn't really do much, but I enjoyed it.”

 Derek pressed his lips together, feeling something slimy and strong try to crush the breath out of him at the image that flashed unbidden through his mind of Dex writhing on crumpled sheets being made love to by a man who looked like it could be Derek as long as he kept his face pressed into Dex’s neck as he held him against him tightly, rocking together in blissful synchronicity.

 Derek leant into Dex’s side, “That’s all that matters, that you’re happy and healthy.” They looked at one another for a moment, something unreadable in Dex’s eyes before he suddenly smiled and Derek could not help by smile back, letting it slip away as Dex blushed and looked away, “Yep, your happiness s’all that matters,” he repeated quietly, telling himself again and again and again like a mantra as he leant away from the warmth of Dex’s body.

 

                                                                                            _/\\_

 

 Rugby as fucking savage. Football without the padding, or the stoppages, or the switching of offensive or defensive teams, and with the goal of seeming to embed the guy with the ball into the field. It was brutal and hard and Derek found himself suddenly breathless when Alex (with just an 11 on his jersey) plucked the ball out of the air and ran, slipping through the grasping hands of numbers 5 and 3 of the opposite team with some footwork that a guy as big as him should not be able to do, leaping over the goal line with a big beaming grin on his face.

 Derek cheered along with everyone else as Alex tapped the ball on the ground under the posts and jogged nearer to the spot where the Samwell guys were standing to wave the ball at them. Derek felt Dex pause in his cheering next to him, glancing over to see his startled blush before he waved back with such a smile on his face Derek had to look away again, smiling and clapping and hooting “WOOO ELEVEEEENNNNNNNNNN” as the rest of the team came to congratulate Alex, not missing the faint look Alex sent his way.

 It was probably something to do with that flicker of green that had been in the corner of Derek’s eyeline since he woke up that morning.

 Samwell won 32-15, a slight walk over which in Derek’s experience always felt more satisfying than a total walk over, and they started to make their way out of the stadium, everyone with google open so they could pretend like they knew what they were talking about as they dissected the game.

“Hey Bit’s, didn’t you have a thing with a Rugby guy once?” Tango asked, making Bitty double take at him.

“How on _earth_ do you know that?”

“I don’t know,” Tango admitted, Chris shooting him a slightly worried look.

“I did. We went on a date. He was nice.”

“Showed you his, uuuh...line out did he?” Wicks grinned, him and Ollie laughing when Bitty rolled his eyes at them and went back to chatting to Ford.

“Did you enjoy the game?” Dex asked quietly as he fell into step next to Derek, hands shoved deeply in the pockets of the denim jacket Derek would have said was one of his if not for the sheepskin collar on it that Dex was hunkering down into even though it was not particularly cold that day.

 It was probably because it smelt of Alex, Derek thought bitterly.

“Yeah man it was not chill at all. In a good way! I got proper adrenaline.”

“Yeah?”

“When Alex got that last try. He’s mad fast.”

“We should get him to race Bits.”

“What did he do to you for you to want to shame him so publicly?” 

 Dex laughed, brushing his elbow against Derek’s as he opened his mouth to speak, but then someone was calling his name and they both turned to see Alex waving at them from the door that lead to the locker room, still in his grass stained kit but with flip flops on instead of his boots.

“You wanna come?” Dex asked, gesturing towards where Alex was smiling at him, dimples in full force, and Derek blinked. He did not want to say that Alex probably did not want him tagging along because that felt disingenuous when he looked at Dex’s open expression. They were friends, of course Dex was not going to just ditch him.

“Nah, you go hang with your boy and meet his friends. I’ll come next time.”

 Dex looked like he was going to say something before nodding, “Kay, see you later man.”

“Later.”

 Derek watched him go, turning to catch up with the guys just as Dex was pulled into a kiss, hurrying away from the bitter smell and the mass of the thing following him down the corridor.

 Ford had hung back for him by the door, the rest of the team on the other side of the road waiting for him, “Dex?”

“Went off with Alex.”

 Ford nodded, “And how are you doing?” she asked quietly as they made their way through the crowd.

“Being happy that Dex is happy,” he did not ask how Ford knew, having more perception than a empty DVD case practically made you a psychic on the SMH.

“You should tell him, you know. So it doesn’t get weird.”

“Uhh…”

“Well, weirder than his team already is. I’ve seen some stuff in the theatre but...” she glanced over her shoulder and pulled an unpleasant face, “the shit that happens around you guys is _really_ weird.” She shook her head and turned to look up at Derek, “I don’t want you to get hurt by this -or Dex- for it to get nasty.  ‘Cause Alex isn’t an idiot, and you aren’t always subtle...I don’t want you guys getting caught in a shitstorm. For your sake's and the team's cause with you two it will be the shittiest of storms.”

 Derek sighed, “I know. It’s just finding the right moment to tell your roommate you wish you’d been a bit quicker off the mark,” Ford rubbed at his arm, giving him a supportive smile because that was all she could really do, “Hey Ford, do you...does Alex look like anyone to you?”

“Oh..umm. Not off the top of my head no. Why?”

“Mmmno reason.”

                                                                                            _/\\_

  
 It was only when he heard Bitty laughing in his room as he skyped Jack that Derek realised how late it was. He stretched out his back and turned from his laptop to look across at Dex’s bed to find it made in it’s usual half-assed way and empty. Not that he had really expected to find Dex had slipped into the room unnoticed while Derek worked at the desk; maybe sat there doing some needlessly complicated maths that went over three sheets of paper, maybe laying on his front with his chin propped up on his headboard so he could look out of the window, maybe half asleep, a slip of skin at his lower back showing from where his shirt had ridden up.

 Derek checked his phone to see if Dex had messaged him but there was nothing since his last text letting Derek know he was going to miss dinner. Again. He was either off with Alex or Alex was at the Haus for dinner and those times Derek could barely eat with the choking smell of the thing that was oozing up through the floor.

 He wished he had just fallen asleep at his desk instead of cleaning his teeth and washing his face without Dex asking questions about his skincare regime, without Derek laughing at the way he would scrunch up his face when he let Derek rub serum and moisturiser onto his surprisingly soft skin, catching the faint smell of the cocoa butter he let Dex use because _oh my god you fucking white boy love yourself._

 Derek went through his instagram, his snapchat, had a good old scroll through twitter to snort at some hockey meme’s, saving post’s on tumblr about Daley and Schultz (and Crosby) to spam at Dex because he was a traitor to New England and the team by being a filthy Penguin’s fan (as an Ranger’s fan Derek would never admit it but he had a soft-spot for Kris Letang).

 When the internet was exhausted Derek lay down to sleep, cocooning himself in his blankets as he tried not to be pathetic and lonely in a house full of his friends. Bitty was silent now, the whole Haus as quiet as it ever was. Chris and Farm’s weren’t even trying to be quiet as they fucked next door because they weren’t. There was not even the soft whistle of Dex’s breathing as he slept to disturb Derek. Just a peaceful night. Alone.

 Derek loved his friends deeply, even the one’s he did not much like he still loved and wanted them - as all humans do- to love him back just as much. He had been _so_ jealous of Farms when she and Chris got serious. He was the first to admit that it had been stupid and was continuously relieved it hadn't affected their relationship because he adored Chris, his first really close honest friend, but this was different and so much worse. A palpable thing that was waiting, always waiting, sometimes trying to consume him, sometimes just there oozing and pulsating and making Derek want to gag.

 He buried his head under his pillow and wished it all away; wished Dex’s smiles away, wished this room away, wished their friendship away, prayed for when they had hated one another, prayed for a Dex who had not grown into his shoulders or ears or temper yet, prayed that Dex’s skewed views on privilege had been harder to shake off. 

 Derek almost hated him in that moment for making him feel like this and not even realising it.

 Some friend, off fucking some smooth and talented _british_ guy while Derek was stuck here trying to not get his heart broken. If he was a real friend he would know, he would come, he would hold Derek and promise to help make it all okay. But he had chosen Alex, and Derek did not want to have to live with never knowing if he could have prevented this hurt by just being brave.

 He slept fitfully and his dreams were abstract and dark. Dex’s burning brightness being swallowed up by something thick and filthy, Derek golden and alone in a room of mirrors. Alex fucking Dex against the wall of their room and when Derek turned away they were fucking against the desk, turned and they were on Dex’s bed, turned and they were the floor, Alex kissing over the pink scar on Dex's chest.

 Something was dragging itself down the Haus landing slowly, inevitably, the noise getting slowly louder and louder and Derek could not move, just laid there watching the door, the noise right outside it now, a dull bang against the wood, then another, then one that made the door frame shake and Derek still could not scream.

 The bathroom door swung open and Chris shuffled in like a rumpled ray of pure light, hair a mess and drool obvious in the corner of his mouth, and with his appearance the thumping stopped.

“Oh my god.” Derek breathed, finally able to move, grabbing at his chest as he felt like his heart was about to give out.

“I heard noises,” Chris stated, not waiting for Derek to speak before he threw himself onto the bed, his face squashed into Derek’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’m here to save you from all things. Save you. ‘Cause I’m a goalie. Get it?”

“How do you come up with such comedic genius first thing in the morning?”

Chris flipped onto his back, wiggling to get comfy against Derek’s side, “S’awesome natural talent,” he yawned loudly, “Bit’s is making egg’s and fruit salad, we’re out of Turkey bacon so…” 

“You can have bacon if I’m not,” Derek groaned as he pushed himself to sit up, smiling when Chris made a protesting noise.

“Nope. Solidarity.” 

 Derek and Chris brushed their teeth next to Cait in front of the mirror and Derek almost did not miss Dex. They bundled down to breakfast and were put to work chopping fruit and he was almost not angry at Dex. They huddled around the table with Ollie and Wicks complaining about all the dirt that had been tracked through the Haus and along the landing, Chris calling them all “white demons who wear shoes in the house” and Derek almost did not miss the snorting laugh of acceptance Dex let out whenever they called him a white devil. 

“Hey Nursey, can I ask y’all a question?” Bitty asked, voice quiet and serious, Derek feeling a little worried as he nodded around a mouthful of eggs, “I know Ramadan is soon, and it’s never been during the season while you’ve been at Samwell so I wanted to know if you’d fast while playing hockey?”

“It’s gonna be after this season…”

“I know, just curious I guess. You can tell it’s none of my business...”

“No, no it’s cool. Umm...no I wouldn’t. Other people do, in other sports, like cricket or field hockey, but ice hockey is too dangerous to play if I come over faint. I think I’d make up days later on if I felt like I wanted to do the whole month ‘cause wanting to play a sport is not really on the acceptable reasons to not fast list but, ya’know, my Imam always says that your relationship with God is yours alone and no-one else can tell you how to do it,” Derek shrugged, then grinned “You asking ‘cause you’re gonna send us care packages next year, right?”

 Bitty puffed up indignantly before smiling, cheeks going pink as Farm’s ribbed him gently, “I won’t if you tease me about it. Besides you have Chris, who is a mighty fine cook and Dex is coming along nicely at baking.”

 “What are you getting me into?” Dex said as he stepped into the kitchen wearing the clothes he had left in yesterday afternoon, waving away Ollie and Wick’s cat calls as he dropped his bag on the floor.

“Bitty is planning out all of next year’s care packages!” Ollie said with relish.

“Am I going to be put to work?”

“No you’re not Dex honey don’t you worry,” Bitty reassured, tapping Dex on the arm as he went to get the egg’s he had put aside for him, “Just reminding everyone that y’all are not as helpless as y’all like to pretend…” Bitty paused, and then turned to Dex with a smile, “By the way, was the walk onto campus good this morning?”

 If Dex had thought his well timed entry had saved him from chirping he was wrong but he took it well, smiling as he took a long drink from the Starbucks he was holding, sleeve of his hoodie falling down to reveal the inky smudge of a bruise circling his wrist.

I t only looked so dark because Dex was so pale, a voice reasoned in Derek’s head as he shot to his feet, he bruised so easily the voice reasoned a little louder as his chair thumped dully onto the floor as something writhed and lashed at the edges of Derek’s vision.

“What the **fuck** is that?” he demanded before he could stop himself, pointing to Dex’s wrist and making it impossible for everyone in the room to ignore it.

 Dex dropped his hand immediately, tugging his sleeve down over his hand, taking a step back as Derek rounded the table, “It’s nothing.”

“Bullshit it is. It’s a bruise.”

“What if it is?”

“You go out all yesterday afternoon and night, you don’t text to say where you are, you don’t text in the morning to say you’re coming back and then you show up with bruises!” he made to grab Dex’s hand but he jerked it back.

“It’s. Nothing!” he growled, rapidly turning an angry red.

“Show me how it’s nothing!”

“Nursey…” Bitty said quietly, “he told me he was coming back for breakfast.”

 It was meant to diffuse the situation, Bitty not quite getting what Derek was angry about and accidentally throwing lighter fluid on the fire, “So you can text Bitty but not your roommate?”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t realise I had to let you know where I am all the fucking time!”

“If you’re gonna turn up with bruises I think I should. I was fucking _worried_ about you!”

 Dex blinked, his anger visibly receding, “Worried? Nursey...you knew I was gonna see Alex?”

“And!? Anything could have happened!”

 Dex’s mouth, that Derek could see was bruised as well now he was up close, worked silently over a few words before his expression morphed suddenly into one big, furious, scowl, “Just what the fuck are you accusing my boyfriend of?”

“Guys…” Wicks started but got talked over.

“Leaving bruises on you!” Derek shouted, finally getting a hold on Dex’s hand and dragging it between them, “Will…”

“What if I wanted them?” Dex snarled, voice dropped low but words still startlingly clear, “You wanna see all the other bruises I asked for, Nursey? Want me to strip and get Alex in there to account for every one?” Derek dropped his hand and Dex stepped into his space, something still soft in his dark, furious eyes, “This isn’t you Nursey, what the fuck?”

“I…I don’t,” Derek gasped, trying not to trip on what was trying to curl its stinking self all around him.

 “No!” Dex grabbed his shirt and pulled him forward, the warmth of his body and the smell of his deodorant forcing the dark thing back, “You brought this up in front of everyone and you _will_ tell me what the fuck is up with you. I am not done with you!” he barked it like an order and in one blink the writhing mass seemed to vanish, Derek unable to look away from Dex’s honey brown eyes.

 Dex scanned his face and then was dragging Derek out of the kitchen, something he could only do if Derek allowed him to and he was so shocked at what he had just done that he would have let Dex do almost anything.

“Dex!” Chris called in panic, jumping up as if to follow them.

 “It’s okay Chris, we’re talking. I promise,” Dex said as evenly as he could while angry, Chris staying put but not sitting down as he watched Dex lead Derek to the back of the Haus.

 He let Derek go by the back door, pacing away from him, his back one long line of tension before turning to face Derek again, his anger visibly subsiding as he gazed at him. “Look," he stepped closer, hands held out peacefully, "some bad shit is happening with you. I can see. Just please, collect yourself and come and talk to me? I know this is ironic coming from me but…” Dex huffed, running a hand through his hair that was still curled at the ends from a recent shower, "...you taught me this. To think and then talk it through not just react. It’s made me a better person, more like you I like to think, and I don’t wanna be mad at you D.”

 Derek could only nod, feeling tears burning behind his eyes at being called a better person when he was the one letting himself be consumed by something angry and foul, “Okay, thank…”

“Don’t,” Dex reached out and brushed his fingers over Dere's sleeve, “before you and Chris I’d have just punched you in the face. Just...let me try and help you, like you've helped me.”

 Derek nodded, feeling drained and heavy, a nasty taste in the back of his throat, Dex’s smile as hollow as Derek’s felt when he smiled at him, “I need to go and think…” Dex stepped aside when Derek made a gesture to go upstairs. “I’ll just…I’ll see you later Dex. Promise.”

                                                

                                                                                            _/\\_

 

  
 Derek jumped at the bang from inside the Haus, taking a moment to realise that it was the sound of his door hitting the wall, shuffling over slightly on the Reading Room in the hope that he would not be visible from the doorway, sniffing the air to try and see if whatever that thing was had come back. But it was only Cait that clambered out to join him.

“Wanna tell me what the hell that was?” Derek stayed quiet, and she let him be for a moment, “Nursey!”

“Me being a fucking idiot.”

“We could all see that. Oh my god Nursey that was _SO_ out of line...”

 From almost the day they had all met, sprawled out on the grass in the quad after the three of them had tumbled into half the volleyball team, Cait and Dex had been at ease with one another. It had taken a little longer for her and Derek warm up to one another, probably because of his stupid jealousy, and he was paying for it now by getting her tough love while Dex was probably getting The Look from Chris which Derek had always thought was the much worse of the two. “I know, okay! I don’t need you to sit here and yell at me about it!”

 Cait settled back against the window, giving Derek a steady, unreadable look that made him turn his back to her, wishing she would go away, “Why do you keep asking everyone who Alex looks like? Or if he looks like you? He looks nothing like you. I don’t know what you’re trying to do here but…”

 Derek missed the rest of what she was saying, a loud rushing in his ears as something contracted painfully in his stomach. “What does he look like?” he asked, failing to keep the waver of panic out of his voice.

“What?”

“What does he look like?”

 Cait shot him a look of genuine concern but went on to describe Alex to him, Derek blinking in shock because the man she was describing was nothing like the guy he knew as Dex's boyfriend. “I think...oh my God, Farms. Oh my God.” He put his head in his hands, feeling the green monstrous thing that had been haunting him the moment he had first laid eyes on Alex pressing up against the underside of the porch roof.

“Nursey,” Farms said, voice gentle now, Derek leaning into the comforting hand she put on his shoulder like it was a life line, “I'm worried about you, we're all worried about you...I think you _need_ to talk to someone.”

 

                                                                                            _/\\_

 

 Shitty’s face glitched horribly when face time connected, Derek jumping at that familiar and loved face getting mangled like that before he was back, laying out on some grass somewhere in Boston, a few daisies tucked into his hair.

“Hey Shits.”

“A cute as fuck little fluffball of a birdie flew into my room just now and told me in the dulcet tones of Georgia that you are having some major probs my brother.”

 Derek groaned and flopped back against the tiles of the Reading Room. “Can nothing stay a secret on this fucking team?”

“Nope. Fucking hive mind.” Shitty shifted so he was sat up, revealing a collection of students sat around by a pretty red brick building. It looked perfect to Derek even if he did know it would drive him crazy like it was slowly doing to Shitty (well, crazy on Shitty meant more restrained and professional which got more disturbing every time Derek saw him). “Hey, no longing gazes at Harvard campus! I’m here for your well being you froggie fuck.”

“Thank’s man.”

“No probs brah. Wanna tell me about it?”

 So he unloaded it all; the anger, the loneliness, the weird dreams from last night, the churning thing that followed him around whenever he saw Dex love someone else. Shitty sat quietly through most of it, humming when needed, expression only changing when Derek mentioned how much he saw of himself in Alex when no-one else did, eyebrow raising behind his RayBans.

“Sound’s like class A jealousy to me.”

“A little bit I guess but...I’m happy for him!”

“I know you are man, I know. But that doesn’t mean you can’t also be jealous. Honestly felt feelings are healthy, and it sounds like your feelings are not being honestly felt.”

 Derek pushed his face into his free hand and wanted to scream for good long while, “This is Dex we’re talking about.”

 “I know, I remember that freckly bastard well,” Shitty said easily and even though Derek knew him well enough to know he did not mean it Derek still shot a glare at him. “Ah, there we are. An honestly felt emotion. Before all of this you wouldn’t have blinked at me calling Dex a bastard…”

“He is a bastard.”

“So are you, my man, so are you. Why you work so well together.”

 Derek felt his heart thump heavily in his chest, thought he could hear the screeching effort it had to put in to keep on beating as he felt every inch of the emptiness of what he had never had to lose in the first place, “Oh fuck.”

 “And it’s why you should tell him how you feel. Yeah, fucking terrifying I know, but he deserves to know, and more importantly you deserve to not carry all this toxic-ness around with you. You guys got Farms mad…”

“How did you…”

“Birdies and hive minds brah, told you.”

“Shits!”

“He is your bro. You may not like one another a lot of the time but you’re bros, and he’ll have your back, and he’ll support you. And if he doesn’t he wasn’t your fucking bro in the first place, was as much of a dick as you used to fucking say he was, and no need to let yourself get pulled apart and fucking eaten up ‘bout it, ‘kay?”

 Derek laughed bitterly, “I don’t want to break them up, but I don’t want to lose him. He’s...Dex is one of the best friends I’ve ever had.”

 Shitty sighed and gave a one armed shrug. “You could make both of those things happen by staying quiet, and it’ll hurt more in the long run,” Derek sighed, “No easy solutions here bro, sorry. Well, unless you try an' fucking skip town but Dex said he wasn’t done with you so I wouldn’t put it past him to track you the fuck down.”

“Yeah.”

“Alex sound’s like a dece’ dude, brah, I’m proud of you for not hating him for this.”

“It’d be so much easier if I did.”

“Yeaaaah,” Shitty agreed, letting himself flop back down onto the grass, “But you never did have a heart made for hate did ya’, brah?”

 

                                                                                            _/\\_

 

 Derek sat for a while after Shitty hung up, looking out over the other houses on frat row, the tree’s by distant lake quad shifting in the breeze, the high, decorative towers of Founders building, turning his face up to watch the slow progress of the heavy crowds crossing the sky.

 A bang underneath him brought him out of his silent reverie and he watched C and Farms make their way down the road, hand in hand, practically perfect in every way and could not help but smile. He loved their love, it was so easy and good.

 Huffing out a breath he decided it was time to face the music and forced his stiff and protesting joints into getting him onto all fours so he could crawl back to the window. He bumped his head on the frame as he climbed through, always misjudging how far it opened, and swore lightly at himself, freezing when he looked up to find Dex smiling at him from the desk like he always did when Derek was a clutz and he smiled back without thinking, forgetting everything for a moment.

“I uhh...came to apologise.”

“I...you don’t. It’s - you don’t have to tell me what’s up I don’t want to _make_ you...” Dex started, ears turning red as he wheeled himself away from the desk and nearer to where Derek was standing at the window.

“No, let me explain myself.”

“Okay,” Dex sat back in his chair, fiddling with the worn inside seam at the knee of his jeans as Derek came to perch on the side of his bed. He had changed since Derek had been outside, wearing an old stretched out t-shirt that did nothing to hide the curve of his collar bone or the power across his shoulders. He might as well look, Derek reasoned, his eyes flitting from Dex’s strong chest to the vulnerable slenderness of his throat, at least it was honest and he was surprised when the usual bitter smell that crept up on him whenever he caught himself looking at Dex did not come.

“I like you. Like, I _like_ like you. Like - _feelings_ like.” Derek knew he was falling over his words, they always failed to come when he most needed them, and paused for a chirp that did not come, Dex flushing brightly when he glanced at him, “Like I ha…”

“I get it Nursey - I got it.”

“I dunno why I didn’t tell you earlier, man. I can blame it on cold feet and preserving our friendship all I want but I genuinely think...I didn’t want to be all ‘you like boys and I like boys let’s make out’ when you came out, and then I didn’t want to stop any exploring you wanted to do and I just got comfortable I guess. You and me and C next door just being friends together with nothing to complicate it all. Everything is always so complicated.”

 Dex blew out a long breath and nodded, “Yep.”

“An’ then Alex happened. Like, do not get me wrong he is a great guy- I couldn’t hate him even if I tried, he adores you and that’s all anyone deserves or whatever. But you should know how I feel, and...and how it’s been following me around and hurting me and freaking me out and trying to get me to a point where it can swallow me whole.”

“Nursey,” Dex tried to scoot himself over to Derek but the wheel of the chair got caught on one of the uneven floorboards and he almost fell out of the chair, flinging a hand out to catch himself that landed on Derek’s knee. They coughed and shifted awkwardly when Dex righted himself and pulled his hand back, coming to perch on the end of the bed facing Derek. “You probs don’t wanna hear this but...but I put you in my box marked ‘friend- do not fall for’, even when I was struggling with myself and hating my body and not wanting anyone to touch me, even when we couldn’t stand one another I knew there was always that risk. I value your friendship and how we work together so much more than anything. Alex - there are some things about him that remind me of your excellent bits, which is also something you won’t wanna hear I’m sorry…”

“No, no it’s a relief I...saw some of it too,” Derek admitted the half truth, deciding telling Dex that who he had been seeing bore no resemblance to what the guy apparently really looked like may not be the best idea right now. “I was out of order at breakfast, I had a really shitty night last night and I missed you I guess. It’s no excuse. But I feel like I’m at my wits end ya’know? Please don’t think I’m expecting anything from you…”

“I know Nursey. I...thank you for telling me all this. I want you to, ‘cause you’re my friend and I wanna help,” Dex’s face did that weird thing it always did when he was about to initiate physical contact and Derek felt his heart melt a little, “Do you, uhh, do you want a hug? Maybe?”

 Derek did not reply, just pitched forward until he had his face pressed against Dex’s shoulder and his arms around his waist, Dex making a groan of protest at the sudden weight before wrapping his arms around Derek’s neck. They stayed like that for a little while, Derek sent into a doze by Dex’s regular breathing and steady warmth, feeling heavy and dazed when Dex slowly pushed him upright, “I need some time to think all this over…”

 Derek grabbed desperately at his upper arms, “I don’t want to lose you as a friend, Will. I promise you I will do better.”

“We’re stuck with one another D, don’t worry about that,” Dex said in what passed as a soft voice for him, pulling Derek’s hands off his arms, cupping his wrists as he put them back in Derek’s lap, “Gonna kick myself for saying this in, like, two months time when you're annoying me, but don’t change on my account. We agreed to meet each other halfway, yeah?”

“What would we do if we could stand one another for a whole forty-eight hours?” Derek joked weekly, appreciating the glint of humour in Dex’s eyes., “I’ll uh, take a walk.”

“You don’t have to leave the Haus," Dex said urgently, eyes wide and warm and worried.

“I want to take a walk.”

“Okay,” Dex said quietly as he watched Derek stand, “Don’t go far.”

“Won’t,” Derek promised, pulling on his jacket as he quietly slipped out of their room.  
                                                    

                                                                                            _/\\_

 

 The heavy clouds had moved on by the time Derek got outside, the sunshine bright and pleasant in that way spring had, the air fresh and thick as the world swelled with new life.

 He walked with his head up, hands shoved deep into his pockets, taking his time strolling over the bridge and looking down at the river, trying to pick out the darting shapes of the few fish that braved living in it. The writhing, dark, horrible thing was still there, still trying to weigh him down and make him want to curl up and lash out, but he made himself ignore it. It made him feel better knowing Dex knew, even saying it to Shitty had helped, made him feel less backed into a corner by it all.

 It was a cliche but the clear light of day was doing wonders.

 The huge, green, monstrous thing was still trying to follow him when he got to the quad but he was no longer bothered by it. He threw himself down on a bench, dug out his emergency earbuds from the depths of his pocket, found his yoga playlist and just sat quietly watching people going about their lives and enjoying not doing or thinking about anything.

 Him and Dex would be okay, he would move on, be happy with his best friends, C hanging off one arm while he pulled Dex into a one armed hug with the other. He closed his eyes as what had been tormenting him for weeks died on the path next to him.

 He would breathe, and be okay.

 A good while passed, at least eleven tracks on his playlist had gone by he thought, it was hard to tell when it was on shuffle, when something made his eyes open. A long drink of freckles and ruffled red hair was strolling over to him, Derek able to pick out that longed legged gate and the uneasy set to those broad shoulders anywhere.

 It was safe to say Derek was surprised to see him, rubbing at his eye as he pulled his earbuds out just in case he was seeing things again but no, that really was Dex coming to find him.

  Derek sat up straight, unable to help himself from beaming when Dex glanced at him and smiled as he stepped over the steaming, bubbling mass that was all that was left of that thing and plopped down heavily on the bench next to Derek, letting his legs fall open so his knee pressed firmly against Derek’s, fingers resting over his where his hand lay on the bench between them.

  “I’m glad that thing is finally dead an’ all, but all the same to you that’s fucking gross.”

  
  
  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this after reading [ this fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10320275) which is just...beautifully written and incredibly original and stayed with me for a good long while (yes it is Hockey RPF, so sue me)
> 
>  
> 
> Artemisa absinthium is the Latin name for the toxic plant Wormwood


End file.
